Monday, September 19, 2011

Why I should never be filthy rich: A short story.

I would love to be rich, along with 99.99% of the rest of the world, but I would. Having more money than anything else would solve quite a lot of my problems, if anyone is stupid enough to hand me that amount of cash however, things will go very, very wrong. While I would absolutely love to be rich I should never be allowed to be, because after I go crazy and buy all the cool crap I want, set up an account large enough for me to live comfortably on only the interest, and build an Umbrella Corp. like secret underground bunker, I will resort to shenanigans. I got into an interesting conversation today concerning just that. What would I do with billionaire type cash? Well; you know those stories of men who went out and found a rare animal, possibly the last of it's kind just to kill? I would do something like that, I would hunt certain models of cars to extinction. If any of you ever get to know me you will find out that I absolutely despise one car in particular,
the Ford Probe, it looks like crap, isn't really built to do one specific thing well, and is just in general a big POS, now I know there may be a few people I piss off by this but I don't care if I piss off all 5 of you Probe fans, your car sucks. With that out of the way, if I ever got to be rich I would buy up every Probe in existence and destroy them in comical and creative ways. I would start out with the usual drive them until they die, shoot them, blow them up, blah blah blah... but this would all be filmed and put on YouTube (Think FPSRussia, but every episode a Probe (or 20) would cease to exist). After a while the show would naturally begin to gain attention and my cause of bringing the Probe to a necessary extinction would be brought to light. Once the show got big I would bring out the big guns, I'll list a few ideas:

1. Artificial Reef/Pirate Hunt: In this seafaring episode 20 Probes would be stripped of everything but the sheet metal (everything else will be burnt with extreme prejudice) and sunk off the coast of a popular tourist destination as an artificial reef. Another Probe will be made seaworthy (or just sealed and filled with air or something to keep it afloat for an hour or two), flipped over and have a sail and mast added to it with the jolly roger flying high. A man dressed as a Pirate will then take command of the ship (If I'm filthy rich, let's say Johnny Depp) and since I'm rich let's say I convinced a Navy ship to send out a squad of SEALS to deal with him, a helicopter will fly over and drop SEALS into the water who will then tackle the pirate off into the water and take him away, the ship will then sink the Probe with the deck gun and deck mounted machine guns and sail off. The end.

2. Whaling/Trench Probe: Another sea-themed episode, here I will get an old whaling vessel and set out to the cold waters of the Arctic Circle. When I get there 35-40 Ford Probes will be on reels that randomly raise and lower the probes (which will be filled with air and sealed, also they will have anything harmful removed) to and from the surface, this episode will feature special guest FPSRussia who will bring along a grenade tipped harpoon cannon, the Probes will be blown to bits and either sunk, or dragged onto the ship and shredded on the spot, if the harpoon holds. When each probe is killed Halo style awards will come on screen. After that I will take the best, most pristine Probe I can find, strip all harmful objects off of it, and drop it down the Marianas Trench, with a video camera inside in a sealed box to record how well it fares at extreme depths.

3. Mass Suicide/AC-130: This show will raise awareness for suicide/depression and provide entertainment at the same time, 100's of Ford Probes will be put about a mile from a large cliff (At least 100, preferably more feet deep) and at the signal, they will be driven, full throttle, towards the edge (Brick on the gas pedal, steering wheel locked). Each probe will be wrapped in a vinyl with the story of someone who suffers from depression/committed suicide to raise awareness and a full story will be available online, their faces will be on the roof of the cars for the cameras to see. the Probes will then dive off the cliff hitting the bottom and exploding in a glorious hail of twisted flaming metal and the extra few hundred pounds of high explosives conveniently located at the bottom of the cliff. Next up I bribe my way into getting 15 Probes onto the practice grounds for AC-130 gunners, and get live fire! The Probes will be converted to RC cars and driven with video cameras mounted where the headrest normally sits while the AC-130 gunners get to practice firing and destroy the cars, myself and a few friends, FPSRussia (Do you think he would want to miss this?) and one lucky contest winner will get to destroy one Probe each as well. Call of Duty style killstreaks are also present.

4. Kinetic Energy/Skydiving: Kinetic energy is the energy of motion, a Kinetic bomb is a large heavy object falling at a high rate of speed. In this episode old WWI and WWII Planes get to drop laser guided kinetic bombs onto Probes en masse. It will be a special event in a full airshow with contestants winning the chance to paint the target car of their choice with a laser and watch as an old warbird destroys it with some modern tech. Next, and at the same airshow, skydivers position a kinetic missile and see how accurate they are, can they hit a Probe from 13,000 feet? If not, the newest fighter (F-35?) will just blow it to itty bitty peices.

5. A-10/C-130: Another high-flying episode of destruction. More RC Probes will be driven as fast as possible trying to avoid the inevitable destruction they will face. Overhead, a handful of A-10 Thunderbolts will unleash hell from the GAU-8 30mm cannons they were built around (A-10's for those of you who don't know, are flying Gatling guns, built around a gun that is bigger than most cars). Once that is over 2 Probes will be pushed out the back of a C-130 somewhere over the desert and we see how they look afterwards.

6. Top Gear Special: I'll bribe Top Gear UK to come out and race Rally-prepped Probes until they die, then a Mustang II will be dropped onto the winning Probe like a Piano on a Morris Morena, then a Morena will fall onto the Mustang, then, while Hammond is being Hammond, a Piano will fall onto the Morena. Laughter ensues.

7. The Cars-we-couldn't-hunt-to-extenction-but-wish-we-could-have-show: A Toyota Prius, Chevy Nova II, Honda Ridgeline, Honda Accord, Honda Civic, Ford Escort, Ford Windstar, Ford Crown Victoria, Ford Mustang II, and a Daewoo Lanos will be lined up and disposed of. Epic Meal Time guest stars, gets drunk, and decides the fate of everything but the Ridgeline. For the Ridgeline Chuck Norris (Who was in Ridgeline Commercials) Drives up in the truck he drove in Walker: Texas Ranger and Karate chops a Ridgeline in half, the another is driven up which he immediately roundhouse kicks (In a cheesey 80's way in which the Ridgeline explodes) to death. after that a guy in a transformers ridgeline costume smacks Chuck who then beats the other guy into a bloody pulp as I comment on how he is doing.

8. The Re-enactment episode: I hire someone to find out the 10 weirdest ways a Probe has been destroyed with the exception of my shows Probe kills, and re-enact them. At the end of this episode we launch a Probe into the Sun.

9. Viewer special: I buy Probes from people who watch the show and let them destroy their old car however they see fit, then we find out how many are left, and destroy as many as we can in 12 hours, with help from anyone who can find a Probe and legally destroy it.

10. The last Probe: When I get to the last Ford Probe in existance, everyone from the design team who created it is brought out to witness it's destruction. 20lb wrecking hammers are given to them and they are ordered to destroy what they created. Once they have wrecked the car beyond repair, the car is shredded and melted, then the molten metal is formed into a Mjölnir style hammer which will be hung in my garage as a victory trophy.

Bonus episodes:

Purist Trolling: A popular car almost universally loved is destroyed just like the Probes, only this time it is a singular car, possibly a Nissan GTR or something, just to piss people off.

Mudding with a Veyron: A Bugatti Veyron is bought and mercilessly beat on, entered into a night of destruction, then lifted a few inches with mudding tires installed on Bugatti rims and taken mudding in a field, then the Veyron is destroyed using C-4. Why? Because I'm rich.

They all need to die


  1. Dude, you'll have to pry my probe from my dead hands.

  2. If I'm filthy rich, that won't be a problem. This is just a scenario played out in my head and I truly mean no offense. However I still hate Probes.